I wrote my last blog piece at the end of January because I had encountered ‘writers block’ which I have heard of severally but seeing I am not a fiction writer, I did not think this applied to me AT ALL. I thought to myself – I wrote from the heart and from experiences I was encountering in my walk with God, so ‘writers block’ could not happen to me. It did. Many months after, here I am, relieved that I could make it to my PC and break through the demotivation and fatigue that came upon me. It was a mystery to me – after all I had up to 7-8 experiences and learnings to write about, why could I not come around to writing as I did before?
During meditation, trying to understand this dry spell, it hit me – my last blog piece was on the criticality of timing and appointments with God. This has been a place of great struggle for me. Being faithful to my promises to God, my times of prayer and worship, my obedience to ACT when I get the nudging and promptings from God to do things as simple and complex… I have struggled and most times internally conflicted, condemned by my own words and writing. The very things I wrote about not to do, and admonished others about, I was doing. I had reverted to my old ways. Very subtly, but it happened. So, I did not have courage to share further with anyone till I felt I was standing strong in this area of my Christian walk. As usual, Satan would fill my mind with self-condemnation and I would constantly procrastinate and not adjust my ways. The more I realized that I was missing timing, appointments and promises to God, the more I procrastinated and lost energy.
So Why? I knew I did not love God any less but He showed me –
- I lacked the discipline to stay focused; so many distractions had set in .
- I had lost the ability to give up control, surrender my day to day to God without questions or debates in my head.
- Most importantly, I was doing this in my own strength…regardless of my genuine motives and desires.
My HUGE lesson was that I had to fully surrender ALL my strengths and weaknesses to God and stop trying to do this on my own as if I would gain more favour, more love, more anointing from God our Father; as though if He could see all the effort I was making to meet with Him, obey Him, respond to His prompts, direction etc., I would get brownie points. I realized that I had to stop apologizing and praying “have mercy” prayers so frequently and ask God for real help. Though I have shared so many times the power of relying and leaning on the Holy Spirit our Helper, I had somehow started to feel that I could go it alone. The more I tried, the more I missed the mark.
I learnt that the analogy I shared earlier about catching a plane or meeting a person of influence was only the first step – making the decision. But the actual action would only come with ease by leaning on and depending on Him to help serve and obey him.
Sounds simple? But believe it or not, it took me almost 5 months to understand.
It was easy to understand that I need to lean on God help me raise my kids, help me be a good wife, help me live right, talk right, be in right standing to help me excel at work; but understanding how I needed to lean and rely on God to meet with him, pray more, obey his leading more was just not connecting in my simple brain. I was ‘blocked’. Until I realized I was getting into a mode of not walking by His spirit but by my own will.
So how did I come through?
- I surrendered!!! I had about failed at every resolution to make up, be better, do it right tomorrow, next week, next time…so many promises broken.Tired, exhausted, I whispered a sincere quiet prayer for a while: “Help me, Lord, to stay true to You; help me, Lord, to ‘show up’; help me, Lord, not to miss your leading, your timing. It was not a dramatic prayer but a sincere cry for help deep within my soul in the stillness of my alone times. Jesus said in John 15:5 – “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”
- Apart from leaning on the Holy Spirit, the active part I had to play was making that decision that I want to do what God says, but most importantly I need His help to do it. So, I will fool you not. It was not automatic, but God is good and He honours our decision and desire to please Him, to be in relationship with Him, Again Jesus said in John 14:26 – But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things.; and does teach us if we are willing to learn.
Like I said in the Part 1 on Timing, I still maintain that to live a disciplined spiritual life through obedience is never easy, sometimes it hurts, it’s not comfortable BUT my learning and growth is that this can come with ease only when we lean on HIM alone. The fact that there is a cost does not mean there must be a struggle. Total surrender to the Holy Spirit brings the help and ease we need to pay the price for non-compromiseable, undeniable time with God that ultimately transforms our live.
Remember – Timing is important and critical. Like a timed internet portal is open from a specific period for an upload or a download. Sometimes it’s a word from God, sometimes its deep insight, revelation or a concrete direction, steps to take in a situation. Sometimes it’s a direct instruction from God. Obeying quickly, in His time, takes a decision to act and strength to sustaining a lifestyle of meeting with your heavenly father comes only from His Holy Spirit himself. May we always make room for Him to help us be the Best we can be for Him!
For those interested, click here for Part 1.